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  Giving Cat and Dog a Pill  
     
 
1.           Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left

              arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger

              and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently

              apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right

              hand.    As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

              Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

            
2.           Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

              Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

              
3.           Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

             
 4.          Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

              holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws

              open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  
             Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

            
5.           Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of

              wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden.

             
 6.          Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,

              hold front and rear paws.    Ignore low growls emitted

              by cat.    Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand

              while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down

              ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

              
              
7.           Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill

              from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and

              repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered

              figurines and vases from hearth and set to one

              side for gluing later.

              
8.           Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie

              on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

              Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open

              with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

                            
9.           Check label to make sure pill not harmful to

              humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.    Apply

              Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood

              from carpet with cold water and soap.

              
10.         Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.    Get another

              pill.    Open another beer.    Place cat in cupboard,

              and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.

              Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill

              down throat with elastic band.

              
11.         Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard

              door back on hinges.    Drink beer.    Fetch bottle of

              scotch.    Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to

              cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.   
              Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.    Toss back

              another shot.    Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new

              one from bedroom.

              
12.         Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from

              across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed

              into fence while swerving to avoid cat.    Take last pill

              from foil wrap.

              
13.         Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with

              garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,

              find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.    Push pill

              into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.    Be

              rough about it.    Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints

              of water down throat to wash pill down.

                         
14.        Consume remainder of scotch.    Get spouse to

              drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while

              doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill

              remnants from right eye.    Call furniture shop on way

              home to order new table.

              
15.         Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell

              and call local pet shop to see if they have any

              hamsters.



             Now instructions on  How To Give A Dog A Pill, no I haven't made a mistake, there are only 2.



              1. Wrap it in bacon.



              2. Toss it in the air.